Wednesday, 22 December 2010

First Century HR Officer gives helpful advice to three blokes with gifts.

As revealed last week, previously ignored fragments of the Dead Sea Scrolls have been found to contain the diary entries of Malachi Barnabas, a 1st Century HR Officer working in the Bethlehem area of Israel.

World Exclusive! The Secret Diary of a First Century HR Officer.

Today, HR Case Studies publishes a further extract from his diaries.

Blimey! It’s all go again this week.

Odd, though, isn’t it ,the way you get a message from the government that you assume is nothing to do with you, and then the next minute, you’re in the thick of it!

One of Herod’s envoys jumped off his donkey this morning and proudly announced that as I was a Tier 2 Sponsor (I didn’t even know that I was, to be honest!), I needed to be aware that the Government has (and I quote!) “laid a Statement of Changes to the Immigration Rules relating to Tiers 1 and 2 of the Points Based System” Top and bottom of it is Bethlehem HR Services needs to keep a close eye on how many foreign types we employ.

So far, so good.

But then these three distinctly odd blokes walk into the office claiming to be from Melchior Caspar Balthazar Headhunters. I’d never heard the phrase myself, and they seemed to be talking in code. They waffled on about spotting a particular chap’s profile on LinkedIn (nope, means nothing to me either) But evidently this chap must be worth investigating as he had a star next to his name on his “LinkedIn profile”

I had to ask these guys where they’d come from, and it definitely wasn’t from round here judging from their clothes, so I told them about the new immigration rules, and advised them that unless they had proof of residence permits in Israel, they wouldn’t be able to work round here.

But apparently they weren’t looking for work. They’d actually got some Corporate Hospitality Gifts (nope, another new one for me, that one!) to give out to this chap they were looking for. One each: Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh (I think the last one was some form of soap)

Played right into my hands, they did!

Having only just come back from a Central Israel Pharisees Department (CIPD) update on Employment Law, I was in my element! Quick as a flash I told them that giving someone gold could well be construed as a specific offence of trying to influence a foreign public official with the intention of obtaining or retaining business in a situation where the public official was not permitted or required by law to be influenced.

As far as I understand, the Frankincense is burned and gives off some form of perfumed smoke. I’ve no problem with them using the stuff, as long as they take action to reduce the risk to the health and safety of the peaceful people of Bethlehem from second hand Frankincense smoke to as low a level as is reasonably practicable. In fact I even suspect that the Frankincense could be classed as “Noxious Effluvia” and therefore infringe Caesar’s new Health and Safety at Work Act.

And as myrrh also contains one or two dodgy ingredients I also pointed out that as the Control of Stuff Harmful to Herod (COSHH) regulations extended to chemicals, products containing chemicals, fumes, dusts, vapours, mists and gases, the chances were that the myrrh would have to be put through Risk Assessment.

So, after telling them all that, off they went.

Who says that HR aren’t helpful. Mince Pie anyone?

1 comment:

  1. M came home so chuffed with his little self. Got one over on some fancy foreigners apparently. Gifts, at this time of year – who’d have thought it.

    Mind you, I wouldn’t mind if a tall, dark, well dressed stranger wanted to give me gifts! M’s not one for fancy presents, a bottle of oil is about as good as it gets (although he has been known to massage my feet with it – now that is a treat)!!!

    Off to do some extra shifts cleaning – got to earn some money for books that M wants (apparently he made a long list in his diary yesterday). Self, self, self – bet there are no romances amongst them, maybe a few fantasy novels though.

    Rachael Barnabas