Monday, 13 December 2010

Emperor Caesar Augustus launches "Bring the Future into the Present" Strategy

As revealed yesterday,  previously ignored fragments of the Dead Sea Scrolls have been found to contain the diary entries of Malachi Barnabas, a 1st Century HR Officer working in the Bethlehem area of Israel.

World Exclusive! The Secret Diary of a First Century HR Officer.

Today, HR Case Studies publishes the first extract from his diaries.

My stars! I've no idea what Caesar Augustus has been smoking these days, but he's quite clearly flipped. Apparently one of his soothsayers made some form of prophecy about the future in which information about workers will be stored on what Caesar refers to as a "Holy Roman Information System" (or HRIS as he insists on calling it)

So he's decided to launch a "Bring the Future into the Present" strategy (where he comes up with these names, I haven't the faintest idea) and get everyone in the entire Roman world to provide personal details which he can record on scratty pieces of parchment. No idea what he plans to do with this information, though he keeps muttering something about "diversity monitoring" and "talent management" under his breath. No, it doesn't mean anything to me either.

The twerp has decided that the best way to get this information is for everyone to trek to their ancestral home where a crack team of HR officers can apply quill to parchment and register the information.

So, yours truly has been given the dubious task of sorting out the situation in the Bethlehem area.

I don't think Augustus has any idea how much trouble this has caused! I've already had people asking questions about whether time taken to get to Bethlehem will have to come off their annual holiday entitlement, or whether they can take it as flexitime. A guy from the transport department has told me that every donkey in the area has been booked for weeks to come.

A bloke from Nazareth even asked me if we had a policy on paternity leave for carpenters! Cheeky blighter! He reckons his wife is pregnant and about to give birth. "Just you get yourself down to Bethlehem, Joseph," I told him. "If your wife gives birth while you're down there, I'll have a word with the local authority to see if they have any creche facilities."

Not quite sure where he's planning to stay when he gets there though. I hadn't the heart to tell him that the Central Israel Pharisees Department (CIPD) are having their annual conference in Bethlehem, so there's not a room to be had for love nor money.

Anyway, that's all from me for today. Need to be up early tomorrow to sort out some issues about night shift allowances for a group of shepherds.
Check out HR Case Studies tomorrow for a further instalment.

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