Monday, 5 December 2011

Lady Gaga: My Life in HR

Readers may be surprised to note that, despite being nominated as an “alternative” keynote speaker for the 2012 CIPD Conference, Lady Gaga has currently polled only one vote on the HR Case Studies poll.

The editorial team managed to catch up with the provocateuse of pop in the middle of her “Born This Way” tour, and ask her if she’s surprised with her low popularity rating.

Editor: Despite your popularity in the world of pop, you’ve not received many votes in support of you speaking at next year’s CIPD Conference. Why do you think that this might be?

I guess it’s probably due to the fact that most people only know of my music work, and are unaware that for me pop superstardom is just a sideline. What gives my life most meaning is the work I do as HR Director for the American Bacon Federation. Like all HR roles, it’s a stressful job, and my music career started off just as a way of de-stressing after a busy day in the office.

Editor: What are the major challenges that you’re currently facing in your HR role?

Well, within the American Bacon Federation we’re really forward-looking in a lot of what we do, so we’re considering the introduction of an electronic timekeeping system to keep a record of employees’ working time, and we’re also looking into the introduction of single-status canteens in our head office.

Editor: I hear that you’ve also been working with a few UK organisations on the internal design of office space. Can you tell us a little about that?

Sure. I think that organisations need to be increasingly tolerant of all the different belief systems present in the workplace, and currently those who espouse a bacon-focused way of life seem to be neglected. At the ABF we’ve recently converted a spare office into a space for those with a devotion to bacon to practice their belief system. I think it’s important for employees to be able to take a short break from the relentless pressure of the modern workplace and just unwind in a bacon-infused environment.

To make sure that we’re inclusive, the bacon sanctuary also features interchangeable stained glass windows so that those employees with more of a devotion to cheese or sardines can feel at home in an environment where they are surrounded by images which reflect their beliefs.

We’re also working closely with an aromatherapy consultancy to explore the circulation of various food-related scents into the open-plan offices. So far, a pilot project has delivered great results, and there’s a demonstrable link with output. At the ABF we’re calling it the Pong-Productivity Effect.

Editor: If you were to speak at next year’s CIPD Conference, can you give us an idea of what you’d be presenting on?

It would have to be the importance of using bacon in any employee well-being programme. 

Editor: Thanks for that. I’m sure that you’ll be receiving a lot more votes now that people realise the contribution that you’ve been making to HR.


  1. Personally I think it was a rash decision to even suggest that such a controversial figure grace the stage of the CIPD conference. If you think such an invite could cure the current malaise in the world of HR then I fear you are very much mistaken. Whilst there might have been streaks of brilliance in your proposal, I think you should stick to less exotic fare.

    HR Director, Best British Bangers

  2. Dear blogger

    as the chairperson and media liaison officer for the Vegetarian Imaginary Pigs of Suburbiton, I write to express our dismay at your latest post. Not only have you failed to anticipate the unwarranted and rindless distress caused to VIPS everywhere but you have also demonstrated a singular lack of awareness of the contribution made by ourselves to the flavours of this great nation. By promoting and cosying up to one such as Gaga (and the name is not lost on us) you advocate all those things that smokeless, boiled and honey roasted campaigners have been working so hard to counter.

    With one slice of the ultrasharp blade, you place in jeopardy almost a century of crisp production: what would become of Walkers and Golden Wonder if Smoky Bacon, the king of imaginary pig flavours were to become a thing of the past? Livelihoods depend on these cherished icons of almost foodlike status! Appreciating that pigs might fly over Buckingham Palace in the unlikely event that the Red Arrows failed to bring home the bacon, that is not to detract from the importance of cleaving to our heritage and ensuring that we protect it for tomorrow's generation of pigs in clover.

    The VIPS are modest and unassuming individuals. We do not snort nor grunt in derision at the likes of yourself. No, not us. We may well believe, deep down inside, that some pigs are indeed more equal than others. We may feel that the literary and theatrical impact of Pygmalion could have been tripled with careful replacement of the 25th with the 9th letter of the alphabet. We may have many other reasons to laze about in our own droppings BUT we do not! It is your right to choose whether to see the error of your weighs and come snuffle for truffles with us of a weekend rather than be such a .... PIG!