Sunday, 9 October 2011

HR Professionals found to be infected by mystery virus

A leaked Top Secret government document reveals that a sinister and malicious virus has been detected infecting the minds of many of the UK’s HR Managers. Concern has been expressed that this virus could seriously affect the performance of the UK economy, and government scientists are frantically attempting to discover the source of the infection before the epidemic spreads to other sectors of the workforce.

The symptoms of the WNA2DT virus (or, to give it its full scientific name, We’re Not Allowed To Do That) are a reluctance (or, in some cases a blank refusal) to grant managers permission to step outside tightly written HR policy, regardless of the business case for doing so.

A side effect of the virus is the infected person experiencing a form of auditory hallucination from a disembodied source, advising them to comply with sometimes outdated rules and procedures. “We’ve been told that we have to do it this way” is a typical statement made by an HR professional infected by a particularly virulent form of WNA2DT. Questioning as to who has told the HR professional to act in this way is unlikely to lead to any clear outcome.

Researchers are exploring the possibility that WNA2DT is a recent mutation of the older HRTMICDT (HR Told Me I Can’t Do That) virus that was widespread across the UK in the last decade. That particular strain which was prevalent in the managerial population normally led to managers absolving themselves of any responsibility for difficult decisions. In its most common form, managers would frequently find themselves telling their direct reports that if it was up to them, they would have given the employee in question a pay rise, but that HR had forbidden or prevented them from doing so.

The UK Infectious Diseases and Immunisation Agency are advising Chief Executives that the most effective way of preventing the spread of this virus is to ensure that all recruited HR professionals have been immunised by a course of CIPD treatment. Although a 12-month course of treatment with the CIPD vaccine offers a high degree of protection, regular group sessions with other vulnerable members of the profession are also likely to strengthen resistance.

For members of the HR community who are keen to increase their resistance to the WNA2DT virus, and consequently improve their effectiveness within their organisations, a three-day immunisation clinic has been arranged in Manchester in November. Details can be found by clicking the link below.

WNA2DT Immunisation Programme: November 2011

1 comment:

  1. According to government records, viruses are nothing new.

    Many years ago, when I was a wet-behind-the-ears graduate and the CIPD was merely a twinkle in the IPMs eye, there was a condition that presented itself in two forms, depending on the individual infected. The name caught on. And what was this virus? Well its medical name was Personnel Regularly Attend Tribunals or, as it manifested itself in the more cautious practitioner: Personnel Religiously Avoid Tribunals. Either way, PRATs we were!

    Having been a PRAT in my youth (of which variety I will leave the reader to speculate) I did try a regular diet of IPM literature but to no avail. However I have discovered that the symptoms have faded with maturity and a liberal dose of commercial awareness.

    When recently checked out, it appears I only have a mild case of Flexibility Using Common Sense. Not sure if it’s catching, so don’t get too close (unless you like living dangerously)!