HR Professionals found to be infected by mystery virus

A leaked Top Secret government document reveals that a sinister and malicious virus has been detected infecting the minds of many of the UK’s HR Managers. Concern has been expressed that this virus could seriously affect the performance of the UK economy, and government scientists are frantically attempting to discover the source of the infection before the epidemic spreads to other sectors of the workforce.

The symptoms of the WNA2DT virus (or, to give it its full scientific name, We’re Not Allowed To Do That) are a reluctance (or, in some cases a blank refusal) to grant managers permission to step outside tightly written HR policy, regardless of the business case for doing so.

A side effect of the virus is the infected person experiencing a form of auditory hallucination from a disembodied source, advising them to comply with sometimes outdated rules and procedures. “We’ve been told that we have to do it this way” is a typical statement made by an HR professional infected by a particularly virulent form of WNA2DT. Questioning as to who has told the HR professional to act in this way is unlikely to lead to any clear outcome.

Researchers are exploring the possibility that WNA2DT is a recent mutation of the older HRTMICDT (HR Told Me I Can’t Do That) virus that was widespread across the UK in the last decade. That particular strain which was prevalent in the managerial population normally led to managers absolving themselves of any responsibility for difficult decisions. In its most common form, managers would frequently find themselves telling their direct reports that if it was up to them, they would have given the employee in question a pay rise, but that HR had forbidden or prevented them from doing so.

The UK Infectious Diseases and Immunisation Agency are advising Chief Executives that the most effective way of preventing the spread of this virus is to ensure that all recruited HR professionals have been immunised by a course of CIPD treatment. Although a 12-month course of treatment with the CIPD vaccine offers a high degree of protection, regular group sessions with other vulnerable members of the profession are also likely to strengthen resistance.

For members of the HR community who are keen to increase their resistance to the WNA2DT virus, and consequently improve their effectiveness within their organisations, a three-day immunisation clinic has been arranged in Manchester in November. Details can be found by clicking the link below.

WNA2DT Immunisation Programme: November 2011

Carlos Tevez replaced by German Beauty

A concerted lobbying campaign by a group of influential readers of the HR Case Studies blog has forced the editorial team to remove the picture of Carlos Tevez accompanying an earlier post.

A petition signed by a significant number of readers (OK, one) said:

Please please please do another blog - if only to stop me having to look at that picture of Tevez when I log in. Not the most attractive bloke on the planet.  Reminds me of the Tazmania Devil.

As a consequence, the editorial team has bowed to public pressure and posted this blog item, so that those visiting the site have something more attractive to gaze upon.

The editorial team apologises if you have been lured to this posting expecting a glimpse of Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer or (showing my age) Katarina Witt.

On a serious note, Herzberg's theory of motivation would suggest that the positive effect of working in a beautiful environment would rapidly wear off, working conditions only ever being a hygiene factor rather than a motivator.

Is he right? Would you eventually get bored of being greeted by the sight of a beautiful landscape from the office window? Or even of Heidi Klum or Hugh Jackman across the desk?

Or does the readership have any more suggestions of whose presence would really motivate you to get some work done?

What would you do about Carlos Tevez?

The (alleged!) refusal of Manchester City footballer Carlos Tevez to play against Bayern Munich on Tuesday evening has attracted a significant amount of press attention, with a great deal of it focusing on the question of what can be done when such players decide that they are more important than the club itself.

Just to put things in context, Tevez is ranked at No. 7 in the tables of World’s Highest Paid Players, earning an estimated £6.7 million per year. That’s over £128,000 per week to you and me. Gulp.

But does the salary, or even the unquestionable skill of Tevez justify him being a law unto himself?

To answer that. let’s look at the views of another sporting superstar, that of Ethiopian long-distance runner Haile Gebrselassie. He’s won two Olympic gold medals at 10,000 metres and also has World Championship titles at that distance. He’s won the Berlin Marathon four times consecutively and also broken more world records than I’ve had hot dinners. (OK, it’s actually only a mere 27, but I’m sure that you get the point)

Interviewed on Radio 4 this week, Gebrselassie was asked how he’d come to be so successful. His response was revealing:

Training, discipline and commitment. I run 160 miles a week. It’s my job.

His answer mirrored that of Jonathan Edwards (whose triple jump world record set in 1995 still stands) when questioned by Michael Parkinson alongside David Beckham. Parkinson asked Edwards if he was jealous of the amount of money Beckham earned in comparison to himself. Edwards responded:

I think that I get paid pretty well for what I do, which is basically to jump into a sandpit. It’s a job.

For some reason, those fortunate enough to enjoy the riches of the world of football seems to have forgotten that they are still in an employment relationship. What they do is a job.

What would you do if an employee refused to obey a reasonable management instruction? You’d discipline then. What did Manchester City Manager Mancini actually ask Tevez to do on Tuesday? To warm up and go on the pitch and knock a ball around. To do his job. So why all the “What Is To Be Done” soul searching?

So here’s a challenge to all you HR professionals out there? What would you do about Tevez?

Motivational Speakers: It's time to get real

If you’re one of the plethora of self-styled motivational speakers who are pestering the world with their mixture of snake oil and psycho-babble, I’ve got some really sad news for you:

There are some problems in the world.

I guess that this won’t be much of a surprise to most of you, but there’s clearly a bunch of people out there who believe that simply adopting the correct positive mental attitude can make the world into a fairytale wonderland full of opportunities, jollity and general loveliness.

Take the guy ("motivational speaker, presenter, comedian") whose website I stumbled across yesterday. With a waggle of his magic finger (he does seem to point at the camera rather a lot) he’ll help you and your organisation overcome the barriers that hold you back from good performance in life, help you stop being miserable (apparently being miserable is much harder work than being happy) and generally “Make Work Your Play” (insert hand drawn smiley face here …)

His clients love him. One of the testimonials reads “he makes life seem like one big adventure with no real problems or obstacles.”

I have two words for purveyors of such nonsense:

Get Real.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve had the privilege of spending time in the West African nations of Niger and Burkina Faso. I’ve met inspiring women who have built up a collective in their village to scrape together just enough food to keep their families alive after the poor harvest. I’ve spoken to the elders of another village where the nutrition and food distribution programme means that infant mortality is gradually improving. I’ve sat in the rain under the corrugated iron roof with the group of women who are involved in a scheme to provide income by buying, rearing and selling goats. Average Gross National Income in their country is £330. They won’t get anywhere near that.

All of them were inspiring individuals, and their clarity of vision, commitment and rugged determination to succeed represents a challenge to all those who meet them.

But anyone who would dare to suggest that a quick dose of positive mental attitude could make their life “seem like one big adventure with no problems or obstacles” is a braver man than I am.

This world has its problems. Some of them are complex and demanding. But the right approach is to work together to tackle them, not to pretend that by adopting a fixed grin and a jolly demeanour they will all disappear and suddenly the world will become a magical wonderland.

Rant over. You may now get back to work. Or play. Guess it all depends on your attitude.

Psychometric Testing, West Africa Style

If you’re planning on travelling to the tiny village of Leba, which is about 50 miles to the north of Ouagadougou, the capital of Burkina Faso, you’ll need to take with you a guide, a translator and a very sturdy four-wheel drive to cope with the total absence of roads.

But once you’re there, you may be fortunate enough to meet the group of 12 women who have established a partnership aimed at improving the village’s harvest of basic foodstuffs, and also attempting to venture out into some very low level rearing of goats. This year, the group’s main focus is on harvesting the sesame crop, to exploit both the seeds and the oil. The group originally got together as result of a church-based literacy programme, and although they don’t currently produce enough to sell, by working together rather than independently, they have realised that participation leads to greater yields of crops.

Membership of the cooperative is a much sought-after honour, as it brings with is not only access to better nutrition, but also increased respect in the community, so some level of selection is required.

I asked the leader of the group how they decided who should be allowed to become a member, and it was clear that even in an environment that is (literally and metaphorically!) thousands of miles away from the concept of psychometric testing, and competency-based assessment, they had established some very clear criteria for acceptance into the group. These were:

Discipline
Members must be able to demonstrate that they led lives characterised by discipline.

Hard-working
Their definition of “hard-working” is pretty simple; it means someone who doesn’t sleep in in the mornings.

Innovative
Members of the group receive a small loan to help them get themselves established. To qualify for such a loan, recipients have to be able to point to other innovative practices which they have introduced to improve their livelihoods.

Non-argumentative
The group functions as a collective, so anyone who has a track record of being argumentative in the village community is unlikely to be accepted.

A stable and well-behaved family life
All of the members of the group are married, with an average of five children each. They have found that in practice, those women who are mothers of settled and well-behaved families are far more able to make a useful contribution to the work of the collective.

So, dear reader of HR Case Studies: would you get onto the shortlist?

No jobs for the boys

Some HR challenges are much bigger than others, and one affecting the West African nation of Niger is definitely towards the problematic end of the spectrum.

As in many countries, the people of Niger generally go to where the work is. A sort of West African response to Norman Tebbitt’s suggestion to Get On Your Bike. The serious level of poverty in Niger means that work is often in very short supply, so particularly for those in the north of the country, until recently the most secure form of employment was to cross the border into Libya and fight alongside those loyal to Colonel Gadaffi.

Unfortunately, shares in Gadaffi plc have recently fallen in value, leading to the workforce being downsized (following extensive consultation with employees, of course). Realising that the climate in Libya is not exactly favourable to those who previously supported Gadaffi, and subsequently having been issued with their P45s, many of the displaced Nigerans have headed south, taking with them a wide range of weaponry, a high degree of frustration, and an increasing level of hunger. Unfortunately their return is coinciding with a potentially failed harvest due to a poor rainy season in many parts of the country.

So, dear HR Professional, what steps do you think that the Minister for Employment in Niger should do to ensure that the returning military personnel are safely absorbed into the community?

You have one hour to answer the question. This question is worth 25 marks. Please write legibly.

Are you working too long?

A question: what made you stop working last night?

For me it was the power supply in the missionary guest house in which I’m staying in Niger cutting out at about 11.00 pm. Being a good Boy Scout, I was prepared for the event, so I grabbed the strategically placed torch and crawled under the mosquito net into bed, and wilted in the heat and darkness.

I guess for most of us, a technological interruption such as a failure in the power supply is a rarity, and therefore we work for as long as we wish, even if that is deep into the night.

But clearly there was a time when (with the possible exception of those with access to industrial supplies of candles!) sunset signified the end of the working day for most people. OK, we have the opportunity to churn out more work, but does an unbounded work day really lead to greater efficiency?

Similarly the working pattern of five days of work followed by two days of leisure is to all intents and purposes a thing of the past. The weekend is dead.

Taking this a step further, for some cultures, the concept of a planting and a harvesting season is still crucial. Visiting Niger this week has brought home to me the seriousness with which the arrival (or lack of it) of the rainy season is greeted. Right now, the rain is bouncing off the roof, and the side roads are almost impassable. But it’s accepted that the rains have arrived too late to save this year’s harvest.

For those of us living in non-agrarian cultures, the concept of seasons is almost meaningless. An interconnected world means that the idea of what the Book of Common Prayer describes as “the fruits of the earth in their season” is quaintly old-fashioned. Strawberries on Christmas day? No problem.

Do all these developments represent progress? I’m not so sure.

What do you think?

(Oh … as if on cue, the lights have gone out again)

If you enjoyed this, you might want to read an earlier blog item: "There is a time for all things"